A REVELATION OF THE FATHER’S LOVEAs a result of an LSD overdose, I lay in the hospital in my father’s arms in a sedated, comatose state. My dad combed his fingers through my long hair, which he had violently cut off less than two years earlier. Through the fog, I heard the tender words, spoken over and over again, that I had longed to hear from my father for many years: “Son, I love you. Everything is going to be alright.” At 19 years old, I had been in total rebellion for years. I had rejected being my father’s son and never wanted to see him again. Yet, at the time of my greatest failure in my dad’s eyes, that was when he held me in his arms, and expressed his love for me. He was not even aware that I heard him speaking those words or that I felt his gentle arms holding me for the first time that I could ever remember. I had been willing to stop being my father’s son, but my father was not willing to stop being my father. His commitment to me was greater than my commitment to him. That was perhaps my first glimpse of Father God’s unconditional love and His desire to express His affection to me, even when I’d failed! God was not ashamed to be my God. (Hebrews 11:16) As a boy, I longed for dad’s approval, affection, and love. I just wanted him to look at me with that big smile that said he was proud to be my dad. My heart yearned to please him. Yet, when I opened my heart to receive his love, most often, nothing came back and I was left empty and disappointed. I realize today that dad did not know how to express nurture, affection, and affirmation as a father. He grew up during the depression and had an absentee father for 10 years. Then he went to war where he learned to be a survivor. Later, he expressed his love by providing and teaching his two sons to survive in a calloused and merciless world. “Never risk feeling or showing weakness, emotions, or tears! Win at all costs! Be tough! Be a man!” Dad was a good man, very honored and respected by the community. He was an athlete and tennis instructor. He always said, “There are two types of people on the earth; givers and takers! Takers are a dime a dozen. Always be a giver!” I tried so hard to meet up to my dad’s expectations and to perform well enough to earn his love and approval, but I was awkward at sports and never could seem to match up to his rigid expectations. In rather harsh ways, dad always seemed to point out that fact. As a result of all the striving for love and failing again and again, I did not realize that a destructive habit pattern of thinking kept growing stronger and stronger in me – a deep fear of failure and rejection caused me to feel worthless unless I performed well enough, which rarely was the case. This habit became painfully evident in my twenties as a commercial fishing boat captain off the southeastern coast of the U.S. I drove myself to be “Top Hook” (catching more fish than everyone else), which manifested itself by my becoming a rage-aholic. Any crew member who let me down or caused us to lose fish would face the brunt of my anger. I became known as “Captain Bligh”, a screamer and tyrant. I would risk the lives of the crew, spending a week or more at sea off the Carolina coast in winter, riding out 40- to 60-mph gales and 15- to 20-ft seas in a 44-ft boat so that we might claim the coveted prize of “Top Hook.” Driven by the fear of failure, I had to be the best at all costs! I was nobody if I did not out-fish everybody! I did not realize that I was unconsciously driving myself, trying to prove to my dad, and others, that I was good enough to be loved and accepted. It was February 1980. I was twenty-seven years old, addicted to drugs, alcohol, and pornography for 10 years (pain seeks pleasure), driven by the fear of failure, and my anger constantly wounding my wife, son, and others. I couldn’t stand what I had become. I took my fishing boat to sea alone looking for the love and acceptance I had longed for all my life. For three days, forty miles off the North Carolina coast, I cried out for God to make Himself real to me and to do something with this guy who had hurt everyone he had ever known with his drivenness and harshness. It was then, at the lowest place in my life, that I experienced the unconditional love of Jesus Christ for the first time. Instantly, His love broke the chains of alcohol, drugs, and pornography addiction, never to return again. But the deep hidden anger at not feeling loved, the pattern of aggressive striving, was only just beginning to manifest itself. Shortly after my life-transforming experience at sea, I became active in church life. I quickly learned that the same false belief from my former life seemed to operate well within church structures. “When I perform for the approval of man, I have more value and earn love and acceptance!” It seemed to be perfectly natural for me to express my love for God by building my identity through hyper-religious activity. But it came with a high price – no lasting joy, no peace, no rest, and no energy left to express love to my wife and children. As I began to pastor a small church in 1984, my childhood filter system for earning love and acceptance translated ministry into an aggressive zeal to win souls. I see now that the unconscious, underlying motive was really to build the fastest growing church in our denominational district, so that I would receive the praise of man. There was too much ambition – an earnest desire for some achievement and distinction and the willingness to strive for it (see James 3:16-18 NAS). The lack of a meek, tender, loving spirit (Matthew 11:28-30), resting in the love of God and my family, revealed that. My commitment to ministry was far greater than my commitment to family, God, and intimate loving relationships. It left an angry edge to everything I did. My countenance became stern and serious and my preaching hard. I focused on truth, but was empty of love. I did not value people who did not think and act like me. Theologically speaking, I knew God loved me, but deep in my heart, I didn’t really believe I was unconditionally loved by the Father. The result: I began comparing myself to others in ministry. This was actually self-rejection, thinking others were more blessed and gifted than I. It resulted in a competitive attitude that was rooted in an unconscious jealousy. Therefore, it was difficult for me to relate to other ministers and those in authority with submission, grace, and love. Wearing my religious mask, I would sit at ministers’ conferences with a smile on my face, but underneath I would eye the speakers and others with an attitude of rivalry, judgmentalism, and envy – feelings of ill will and criticism toward others in ministry. In 1986, I had acknowledged my need for healing and went through some deep, healing prayer ministry to uncover the roots of anger, drivenness, and the lack of intimacy (in-to-me-see). It so impacted many areas of my life, that by 1988 Trisha and I spent the next seven years teaching healing and restoration seminars locally and in many churches throughout the country. We were very effective in ministering to people in ministry and helping them find healing in their marriages and family. But this pattern of aggressive striving in me continued to raise its ugly head, wounding my wife and children with demeaning looks and tones. Now, I was in so much self-deception that I genuinely did not see that I had a problem. I thought everyone else was at fault. Outwardly, I was a man of truth, integrity, honesty, and character. I never had a moral failure. I was an aggressive pursuer of God, praying and in the Word 2 to 3 hours a day, and fasting as much as 40 days at a time. Outwardly, I was doing all the right things; but inwardly, I was empty of genuine, expressed love! Joyless! No rest! I was driven by ambition as I unconsciously built my identity and value system upon position, power, and possessions! I had become like the older brother to the prodigal son (Luke 15:28-30). My faithfulness, duty, and service were not a response of true love, but came from a desire for personal gain and reward. Please understand that it is only with 20/20 hindsight that I am able to see these things. I did not know what I was in bondage to until I was free from it. But my family did! As a husband, I felt I gave my wife nothing to complain about. I was faithful to her and always provided for her needs. Trisha knew I would be home each night and remain loyal to her. I was a man committed to purity in marriage. I hadn’t touched pornography since my first encounter with Jesus. I told her I loved her every day. But she felt so unloved and rejected. “How dare she? Here I am, so busy helping all these needy people and saving the world! What is her problem?” Trisha daily battled the pain of being married to a man who gave his life to meet everyone else’s needs but did not have energy left to make his wife believe she was loved more than ministry. It left her suppressing the guilt and anger she constantly felt because her need for intimacy and emotional bonding with me went unmet. She ended up in depression, and many people added to it by making her feel more guilt because she was “married to such a good, Godly man.” She should not have these negative thoughts, but should live her life to meet my needs. By 1995, after twenty years of marriage and living like this, she was dying inside, and all hope for a better marriage was gone. As a father, the more I performed for the praise of man in ministry, the more legalism set in, and the more unyielding and joyless I became with my three children. They could never do things well enough for me, whether it were academics, sports, or household duties. I would verbally proclaim my love for them, but would constantly point out every mistake or shortcoming with a critical tone, devaluing words, or a demeaning look. I demanded obedience, but lacked the ability to express love, tender affection, and grace and mercy for their mistakes. I read all the parenting books and tried performing up to the author’s standards. But I was still the authoritarian, performance-oriented father. I could not release the love that I felt inside, out to where my children could receive it. By 1995, my oldest son was seventeen and my daughter was fourteen, and they were in complete rebellion toward me. Their spirits were closed to any affection, correction, or advise I would try to give. They would not risk looking me in the eye for fear of “the look” of rejection and devaluing that often came from me. They hardly spoke to me for fear of failure. What ever I wanted them to do, they would do the opposite. They found the acceptance they yearned for by hanging around the wrong crowd. They wanted nothing to do with the God that I represented to them. In 1994, I stumbled into the renewal that was beginning to break forth in many parts of the world. There would be times that I would be so overcome in the Spirit that I could not walk for hours. The presence of God was moving so powerfully at many restoration conferences we conducted that our team would be ministering at the altars for three to five hours. People had to be carried home from the meetings. But during all these encounters with God’s glory and anointing, I never equated it with Father God taking me in His arms and allowing me to experience His “phileo” love (a Greek word, meaning “demonstrated, natural affection”). I saw the anointing as God’s power, not a demonstration of His Fatherly love seeking to fill and heal the love deficit from my youth. Therefore, the anointing left the areas of my soul that were still being influenced by my filter system (stronghold) of fearing rejection, failure, and intimacy unchanged. In spite of experiencing renewal, I still gravitated towards aggressive striving in ministry, and it only multiplied with the increased favor and recognition that renewal brought me in ministry. My wife, not to mention the children, had by now had enough of this “golden calf” of ministry that I worshipped - the ministry, and everything God was doing, was all I talked about, all I lived for, and all that brought a smile to my face. I felt inadequate at expressing love and care for my family, so I gave myself to what I could do well - performing in ministry by meeting other’s need for healing and restoration. It was ministry filtered through my need to be needed, and Trisha wanted out. As a last resort, thinking Trisha was the problem, I took her to a conference on healing and restoration in November 1995. I wanted her to be happy with everything God was doing through me and to appreciate me for it. But there was no way that was ever going to happen until I demonstrated a love for her and the children that was greater than my love for ministry. We were in the Friday afternoon pastors’ session. Most of the wives were at the front receiving prayer, and Trisha was resting on the floor weeping quietly as I knelt beside her. “Go get her, God!” Then, someone from the platform began to pray for Father God to take all the pastors, whose fathers never held them, in His arms and give them the love their daddys did not know how to give. I started crying like a little child and crawled up in a fetal position on the floor because I was weeping so deeply. This was not normal for me. I always had every emotion in check, especially in front of my wife, children, or pastors. For many years, I had covered my fears and insecurities with an image of strength and self-confidence. I would never show tears publicly. That would be a sign of weakness. It was as if God transported me back to the ten-year-old boy who often hid in the closet at night because of the violence that occurred in our home as my parent’s marriage was breaking up. In the closet, fear was the only comfort I knew. Though my father always loved me as a child, I have no memory of him holding me in his arms and making me feel secure, comforted, and loved. Now, Father God was meeting the deepest need in my heart for a natural demonstration of a father’s affectionate love (phileo love – John 16:27). A forty-four-year-old man lay on the floor weeping, but at the same time, Father God entered my childhood hiding place and held me in His arms. For forty-five minutes, it was as if warm, liquid love was flowing through my inward parts and washing out guilt, shame, fears of failure and rejection, fears of intimacy, and the fear of receiving and giving love (1 John 4:16-18). An overwhelming peace came over me. I never knew the depth of bondage to striving and fear that I had been in until that moment when I first experienced true rest. I had heard all my life that God loved me, but I had never lowered the walls of protection enough to personally receive a natural demonstration of His love and affection. Knowledge of His love now became experience! For the five months that followed, I could not stop weeping. It only took me looking into my children’s eyes to set off the tears. I would see the pain that I had brought to their lives with the aggressive striving and inability to express love and tenderness. Then, I would kneel at their feet, weeping and pleading for forgiveness for some act where, earlier in life, I had harshly misrepresented the Father’s love to them. For years, my children’s hearts had been closed to me, but now, the brokenness I was experiencing began to open their spirits to me. I would hold them and cry. They would hold me and I would cry. My 14-year-old daughter, Sarah, got up one morning and said, “Daddy, are we going to cry again today!” The Father’s affectionate love began to restore the heart of this father to his children and the hearts of my children to their father, and it was breaking a curse off their lives. (Malachi 4:6) Four months had passed since I had experienced the Father’s phileo love, when my daughter, Sarah, who had completely cut me off from her life earlier, came to me and gave me an English paper she had written for school. It was entitled, “The Greatest Influence In My Life:” |
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The greatest influence in my life is my daddy! Through him, I have seen the eyes of Jesus and felt His unending love! At one point, not very long ago, my daddy was a man to fear. He was a Captain Bligh off the H.M.S. Bounty. Now he is as gentle as a lamb, and not to mention, just as loving. Through watching my daddy change from being a hard man to being tender, he has influenced me to change. His new patience has helped bring me through a very difficult year. Seeing my father love and cherish God, like never before, has done miracles for me. Instead of referring to God like a Holy Being, he refers to Him as Daddy. Now instead of fearing my dad, I crawl up in his lap and I find a very cherished peace. What I cherish most about my father is his smile. I also love the way he sits with me and helps me with my faults in a loving way. Whenever I do something good, he notices that too. My dad is changing in so many areas. I am so proud of him. Every time he looks at me, and smiles, I explode inside with joy. My daddy has been my greatest influence these past four months. I forgive him for being Captain Bligh in my early years. “I love you daddy!” |
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A personal revelation of the Father’s love not only had a radical impact upon my children, but it also began transforming my marriage. Before, I had rarely been able to pray with or minister to my wife. Ninety-five percent of pastors in North America do not pray or minister to their wives. How can we effectively minister to Jesus’ bride when we find such difficulty ministering to our own? How can we have true intimacy with God until we experience it in our home and family? (1 Peter 3:7; Ephesians 5:25-31; 1 John 4:16) In spite of the breakthroughs with my children, I still found something in me that seemed to hold back from deeper levels of intimacy (in-to-me-see) with my wife. So I went with a group of men to a “Father Loves You” conference in March 1996, seeking a deeper revelation of love. During the first meeting, one of the lady altar workers ministered to the wounded child within me who had learned to erect walls of protection in my soul when hurt by my mother during the breakup of her marriage. I lay on the floor weeping uncontrollably for two hours, as the Father poured forth His comfort, love, and affection into that little boy. I had always kept my emotions and feelings guarded around my wife. I daily said the words, “I love you!” But I could not let her inside and risk being hurt again. Then, during ministry time, a river of love broke through the fears of intimacy with my wife, and the walls began tumbling down. For the next four days at the conference, I wept as I realized the depth of pain Trisha lived with daily, always being kept at arm’s length from the heart of her husband. When I arrived home, for three hours I intimately ministered my love to her in healing prayer. She wept for hours as the Father took her back to some deep wounding in her youth and comforted her with His healing love. God began to take our relationship into new depths of love. Since then, we have hit a few stumbling blocks, but each time the Holy Spirit would reveal past hurts where we had built walls of protection. We would move toward repentance, and the love of God would wash away hidden barriers and take us into deeper depths of intimacy with one another. During one of these times in 1998, I was prompted to write my wife a poem, something that was very uncharacteristic of me and which I had never done before. It evidences the power of love to transform the most calloused husband. I entitled it, “Such a Love!” |
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It
was your love that brought to me a rest |
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As I finished reading this to Trisha, deep out of her innermost being came convulsing sobs and tears. It was like excruciating pain pouring out of her. After about ten minutes, the crying subsided to gentle tears of peace and joy. Then she said, “All of these years, I never really could believe you loved me. For the first time, I now know it is true. I now feel loved by you!” As the Father’s love has brought restoration of intimacy to my marriage and family, it has changed my whole philosophy behind life and ministry. I no longer strive to be holy, but now want to do nothing to hinder the intimate loving relationships that God has given me. No longer is ministry something that I have to work or strive for. The comparisons, competition, and rivalry are fading away. Ambition is now but a shadow. Most of the time, I am motivated by a deep gratitude for being loved and accepted unconditionally by my Father. Ministry is becoming just an overflow of the love of God that flows freely through my marriage and family. I now seek to live my life daily receiving a natural demonstration of the Father’s love and affection for me, then giving His love away to the next person I meet. As a result of this new paradigm, in only a few years, we have gone from a very small, unknown ministry to one whose audio and video resources and ministry teams have helped bring healing and restoration to families and ministries in over seventy-five nations. The restoration of intimacy in my life has been a process that has involved continued deeper levels of humility and repentance on my part (1 John 3:1-3; Exodus 23:29, 30). My family would certainly verify the process part. I still do not claim to walk in the rest and love I have seen demonstrated in men like John Arnott, Jack Winter, or Ed Piorek. I still easily get off center of the Father’s love when my priorities get confused. Then, once again, I gravitate towards the aggressive striving. But now, I do not stay there long. I’ve tasted of the heavenly gift and of the powers of the age to come. I soon retreat back into the resting place of the Father’s healing love and peace is restored to my heart. I am then compelled to humble myself and go to the ones my aggressive striving has demeaned and ask their forgiveness for misrepresenting the Father’s love. I am then restored once more to a life of intimacy and love! “If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all His mysteries and making everything plain as day, and If I have faith that says to a mountain, ‘Jump,’ and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love… God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-3; 1 John 4:16, The Message) Resting
in our Father’s Love, |
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